Alcoholism is never easy to talk about. Any addiction for that matter is tough. I can't tell you how often I am offered alcohol and that person is clearly uncomfortable when I say "No, thanks! I don't drink!" I was recently reminded that most people enjoy alcohol and don't always know what to say in response to that. What most people don't notice is their inclination to ask "why?" "why don't you drink? Do you have a problem?" and those questions are almost ALWAYS followed with "Ha! Well, I should consider quitting one day but I never will!" That was me not to long ago. It made me uncomfortable to be around people who admitted they had a problem and were trying to better themselves.
Admitting you have a problem is the "first step," right? I wouldn't know. I've avoided AA in my three years of sobriety. It is something most people are surprised to find out I struggle with, my family included. Even I had the hardest time admitting to myself that I should of gone to the hospital instead of trying to mend my sour stomach by myself. Or that getting drunk by myself and watching Intervention should of been a screaming red flag. Drinking with others often resulted in me being wasted and feeling tormented by depression that lasted for weeks (lets be real, it never went away). I didn't understand my relationship to alcohol was deeply rooted in my need to numb myself and escape trauma that was never going to leave me alone.
Harry Houdini once said, "My brain is the key that sets me free." For most escapist, there comes a time when the façade has to end. We have to stop fooling ourselves and become vulnerable to the truth. The truth that we fucked up and might have a problem. Its ugly but not as lonely as one might think! In fact, I've found I am really not alone and there are sober people living life the best they can out there. We all agree, it is not easy. Some days are harder than others and watching our friends struggle is one we partake in. I am honestly writing this because a handful of people around me have relapsed. It is heartbreaking because I absolutely know what it is like to want to drink yourself silly and to give into temptation because you have done it before. I am a force to be reckoned with, after all!!!
I skipped over AA because I am afraid to associate it with "misery loves company." It has helped many people, and many of my friends, over the years. But I fear that we as a society are addicted to having problems that will always be there. We obsess over who has it worse and we want to be validated in our own experiences. That is a hot take! But like I mentioned before, you are never alone! I have personal reasons why I shy away from AA and other programs and had a hard time admitting that I was "getting sober." If there is one thing I think has helped me through out the years is connecting with others and learning how they cope. Everyone has a different reason to escape and knowing who you can be vulnerable around helps! Your self included! I will write more specifically on my journey into sobriety on a separate post but for now I ask you to be kind to yourself. Be open to your faults. And please, don't ever be afraid to admit you NEED a friend!
Don't be afraid of the truth because it does not fear you.
I love you,
Kasi
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